the gender post hmmm

 *12:28*

I've been thinking a lot lately about my gender. Not completely sure why i have been thinking so hard about it, like why it's really stuck in my brain at this time as opposed to other times in my life, but I suppose my exposure to the whole spectrum has increased more so lately and maybe i'm just finally allowing myself to think about it. Now that I'm moved away from my mother who I generally don't feel I can be myself completely or freely express myself without being made to feel bad about it (I love her but i really needed to have my own space from her...)

 

On the weekend I went to my first ever fighting game tournament as a spectator and I noticed there were so many people who freely expressed themselves, and some of my favourite fg characters are trans canonically. And being interested in Vtubing, there are definitely many people who are trans, non binary or just gender non-conforming and just having a good time.

I don't really have anyone in my life that I talk to about these things, though I opened up to one online friend about testing out they/them pronouns with.

 

I was already familiar with the term non-binary, and i always loved it but i didn't think i would be able to "fit into that box" from what i knew about it at the time. But it isn't really meant to be a box from what I have been reading, there isn't one way to be non-binary. And I am indeed allowed to try things and play around and use it or change it, and just figure myself out and feel free to change if it makes me feel good.

 

At this point, which is an early stage, at least incorporating theys and thems does make me feel good. I never really liked just being seen as just a woman, although I don't want to say that i lack feminine energy. 

Actually hearing about the term *Demigirl* felt like i had found a door opened just a bit for me to look inside, like I could be welcomed in there. Feeling feminine, but also not quite. I'm not sure if I'll stay there, but I feel like it's getting there. At least for now.

 

One thing I am doing today to... see if i can feel better about myself, is going to a queer friendly hairdresser. (Because, i have not been feeling right.) I'm driving about an hour to get there, i'm desperate!!

One part of the reason i'm picking specifically a queer friendly one, advertised as such, is to hopefully get a hairstyle I actually want. Some hairdressers can't help but... not quite get my vision. I ask for a short hairstyle, and it's not quite the cut I want and I'm too scared to say like "Sorry I actually want like, a boyishly short haircut, like if i were in a boyband" "But you're a girl" that kind of thing. 

The other reason I'm going with this is......... well when i looked at the gallery, they do a lot more interesting and creative styles and cuts here! I'm really hoping I can not be too nervous and work with them to get a fun cut that also suits my face shape and not accidentally give me a "Karen" cut. I want to go for a super short style, but i wanna keep some distinctly longer pieces around my face! Like T Boz from TLC, or Misaki from Angelic Layer. I call them Hair Tassles. I really hope that can work on me, and i really hope the hairdresser doesn't think it's too weird. (I do feel like it's less likely that they'll think it's too weird, i see a lot of mullet cuts that are funky. this is in some way, a reverse mullet)

 

So I'm really excited about that! I am so so so SICK of my long hair, it's just uneven and damaged and tangled and falls out all over the place, i feel like i have bugs crawling on me when a strand falls against my arms or legs!! AND I LEAVE A MESS OF FALLEN HAIR EVERYWHERE! I'd shave it all off, cuz i adore shaved head life, but a cute short style would be a good step first, cuz i do still miss hair when i'm bald.

 

Looking forward to it, but despite all my efforts that doesn't mean my dumb head won't feel weird later.... I will surely update on my feelings.

♡

hair update~ and gaming with friends

It is done

I feel so much more relief now. My long and scraggly uneven hair was really stressing me out omg.


Got a super short style with a bit of buzzing from the nape of the neck up a bit (honestly, when they use the cliper it just feels like a luxurious massaage~) and i have some bangs now and longer pieces framing my face~ I feel good :3

I would have like to keep the longer strands even longer, but i fear i needed to give them a decent clip just to rejuvenate my hair. I had been seeking and splitting far too many ends >A<

Also, the salon and stylist were all so comforting, welcoming and cutely decorated! They were really kind and understanding of my frustrations with other salons i've been to, so even though it's a 1hr drive for me to get there, i think i'll have to return for their services next time. Very very worth it!

Gotta remember to... keep up with maintenance. My hair seems to affect my mood very directly. If i let it go too long getting damaged or losing shape, my self esteem plummets to the ground!

I think this has also helped with my funnie gender thoughts for the moment. Like, I immediately feel more in tune with myself and... comforted. AT least where i am at now. I always liked the look for having longer and shorter elements of a hairstyle present at the same time, it's just cool! And maybe it's a bit of like... combining some masculine and fem energy together.

MAYBE i just want the best of both worlds!!
Hmmm I've always wanted to get into wigs. One day, pls. Get into wigs.

♡

Also played Repo for the first time tonight with some irl friends who I haven't gotten to game with in a while. I really hope we can hang out in person some time... i miss them. 

I also need to convince them, even just one of them, to play some fighting games with me. I want more fg friends, and some in the flesh zone would be nice so i don't have to suffer Australia's dog-ass ping all the time!!

Might have gotten them to consider Minecraft tho.... it's no fighting game but it's still calming. I need either fgc or creative energy with other people, i think that's what i crave.

♡